Wow. 4 years. It’s been a long time already. Hard to believe. Time seems to be passing by faster and faster. Funny how you don’t really believe when people say that and then suddenly, there you are, experiencing it for yourself.
It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and thought about our time together. I’m sorry for that. I guess sometimes life gets in the way and truth be told, thinking of you still makes me a bit sad. Sad that we didn’t have more time together, sad for your parents who said goodbye to you well before your time and sad that when I hear the laughter and footsteps of my own kids, your cousins, and you don’t come running around the corner laughing right alongside them.
The last 4 years have taught me a lot. They’ve taught me that life does indeed move forward, even if just one moment at a time. I’ve learned that our strength alone is never enough and that true strength to overcome tragedies, like your passing, can only come from God. I’ve had to learn a lot about relying on Him in times when grief and hardships seem too overwhelming. Mostly, I’ve learned that in all bad circumstances, good can come from it, but only if you allow it.
Your death brought on a wave of grief I wasn’t expecting. In many ways, losing you was the catalyst to my struggles with postpartum depression once your cousin arrived, less than 2 months after we laid you rest among the other little lambs who went to Heaven too soon. It took me a long time to find myself again, both as a mom to my boy as well as a sister to a brother who was grieving his son’s loss so heavily. In finding myself, I found my voice and a purpose for the grief and depression that were eating away at my life for so long.
In the New Year, I will be embarking on a new and scary journey to educate and share my story of surviving postpartum depression. I won’t lie and say that I’m not scared because I am. But I know how important it is to help people like me not to fall into that void of helplessness and isolation. I want to make a difference. I want to help. I want to honour the short time you spent in this life by turning the tragedy of losing you into hope to others who struggled with depression the way I did.
Baby Liam, your 39 days with us changed us all in so many ways. And though you’re not with us to celebrate your birthday with your cousins, your brother and your sister, you’re still in our hearts and for that, I am truly grateful and honoured at the time I had with you.
I love you and miss you little man. Happy 4th Birthday.