I’ve been thinking a lot about goals for 2015. Sleepless nights do that to a brain. I don’t know about you, but my feed has been full of resolutions, goals and amazing things so many of you are setting out to do this coming year.
Normally, I’m right in there with a clear direction of how I want the year to go, things I’d like to accomplish and goals I’d like to work toward. Past goals have been to learn how to swim, finish some half marathons and get into the world of triathlon and marathon. Some stuff I’ve accomplished and others have taken a back seat due to injury and babies (also, you need a bike for triathlon…that’s not been in our budget yet).
This year, I’ve seriously procrastinated on goal setting. The truth is…I have no idea what’s in store for me this year. Lots of unknowns and lots of change. Truth be told, I’m scared of 2015. As much as I look forward to what’s in store, there are unknowns beyond what I’ve talked about here, or with about 98% of the people in my life. Admittedly, I’m living in a pool of fear and doubt right now because I really don’t know which direction my life is heading. I feel as though I’ve been coasting along the same straight line for so long that everything is simply routine and it’s a routine I’m not longer content with. I feel like there’s more out there for me and for my family.
The problem is that I don’t have a clear picture of what that looks like right now and it terrifies me. I’m more confident now in who I am than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m slowly accepting that the person I am is the person God designed me to be: shy, awkward, sarcastic, introverted and passionate. In many ways, I’ve been ashamed of that person for a very long time. I didn’t feel accepted, loved or that I really “fit” into whatever mold there was. For that reason, I always held back from doing anything that forced me to put myself “out there” and expose any insecurities I have because in my self-conscious mind, I feel like I won’t be taken seriously, laughed at or rejected.
Do I realize those thoughts are unreasonable? Absolutely! Do I still doubt myself? All. The. Time.
So what does all this rambling have to do with goal setting? Well, it means that I’ve decided to not set any goals for myself outside of this simple (yet tough) one:
Spend more time with God
Pretty simple and yet not easy. Daily prayer, meditation and journaling are all things I’d love to do but in reality, I often don’t have time or focus to do and this is something I need to change. I can’t lament to God to show me direction if I’m not being still and listening for His voice. I can’t complain about being lost in life and unsure of myself if I don’t quiet my heart to hear His plans and desires for me. I can’t take, take, take and not give any of myself back. No one wants a relationship that’s completely one-sided so I need to invest myself into the most important relationship I have.
2015 will have goals, they will come over the course of the year, just like they always do. They will shift and change to take into account the circumstances presented to me. But the one that will be my number one focus is slowly my heart (and head) down and finding that balance with devotions, prayer (not just for the desires of my heart but for those of the people around me as well) and discovery.