Normally, this would be a time when I’d be busy planning out my 2015 goals. Which races I’d be running, which events I’d be hoping to PR in or simply how I planned to structure my time.
Truth be told, I’ve done none of that. I’ve registered for one race in May and haven’t even begun to think about how I’ll be training for it. I should be in a bit of a panic because my Type A personality needs to have everything lined up nose to bum, ready to tackle 365 days of awesomeness.
Maybe it’s exhaustion and maybe it’s old age but I’ve felt no panic what-so-ever about the coming year being largely unplanned in my brain. Maybe it’s the fact that after 2 years of plans that have gone very much array from what I had planned (injury and pregnancy can do that to you), I’ve learned that even the best laid plans can come apart. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In my case, it’s been a pretty amazing thing. I’ve found a sense of peace that’s been missing from my life for a very long time. After a very long season of unrest in my heart, I’m finally starting to understand this crazy life of mine and that it will be full of unknowns and seasons of great followed by seasons of not-so-great.
That’s not to say that any season is easy to go through but at least I’m learning to embrace them for what they are: seasons.
I’m also learning that each season can be made better or worse by the way that I respond to it. Do I respond with prayer for guidance or do I try to control everything myself. Do I take the time to slow down or do I add more things to my plate and move as fast as I possibly can. Do I pause and acknowledge the situation or is my head firmly planted
up my ass in the sand hoping that if I ignore it, it will simply disappear.
It’s been a heavy year, that’s for sure. We said a sudden goodbye to a friend, far too young in May, saw many ups and downs in our family and I came to some very hard realizations about my life and that it’s not been on the track it should be and it was time to shuffle priorities and spend more time looking up and less looking back. My mantra of “Never Look Back” took on a whole new meaning over the past few months and I’m learning to embrace it for everything it represents in my life.
The past week or so, I’ve been hearing in my heart this constant reminder that I’m beginning to understand has been just below the surface for some time now:
Be still and know that I Am God.
Be still and know that I love you
Be still and know that good things come to those who wait
Be still and know that I will never lead you astray
Be still and trust in me, even in fear or despair
Be still and full of faith
Be still and let me lead you down the path I have set out for you
Be still and surrender
So that begs the question: What do I have planned for 2015? The answer is: God willing, a lot of new and awesome things. I’m choosing to live in the present, to be present. To slow down and enjoy these moments in my life as they come. I’m learning to chase my dreams but also to be patient in waiting for them to come to me.