Motivation Monday: Finding Closure

I have been talking a lot about vbacs, natural child birth and my desire to not have a repeat c-section with Fit Baby for months now. I’ve been very excited and eager to get to the point where I could announce the birth of my baby to you all and say “hey I did it!”. Unfortunately, that’s not my reality. Last week, I talked about how I was looking at an induction because at over 41 weeks, there was nothing happening at all. That day has come and now gone and there is still no baby in my arms. Long story short, because of my history of c-section and my cervix not dilating, a conventional induction won’t work for me. My only options are: natural labour/delivery (i.e. water breaking on its own) or c-section. As I’m writing this, I’m just 2 days away from being 42 weeks into this journey and out of time. When this post goes live, I will be in the hospital recovering from another unwanted surgery.

So why am I telling you this? Quite simply, I need to. For my sake. This last week has been so hard. Between the fatigue of carrying a large baby for longer than expected, a severe double ear infection that has left me in a world with no hearing and no answers as to when it will come back and now the news that my body is just not made for birthing babies, I’m an emotional upchuck (for lack of a more tactful term). I do realize that the most important thing in this whole process is the safe arrival of my sweet little boy or girl and I haven’t for a second lost sight of that. But I am mourning my inability to be the one that brings that life into the world so-to-speak.

Am I crazy? Selfish? Mentally overtaxed? Possibly. But in this very moment, this is a raw, honest and ugly as it gets in my world. I’ve received so much love and support that I know that every tear shed has been countered with a hug, encouraging note/email and I love you all to pieces for that.


Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook0Share on Google+0Pin on Pinterest0Share on StumbleUpon0Email this to someoneBuffer this page


Stephanie is a Canadian Mom of 3, Runner, Certified Functional Strength Coach (CFSC), Christ-follower and all around reeker of awesomeness. When she's not chasing after her kids, you can find her dreaming big dreams and bringing them to life.

3 Responses to Motivation Monday: Finding Closure

  1. You are not crazy to be mourning not having the experience you wanted. I have no doubt that you have been pragmatic about wanting a healthy baby – but this journey is more than that. One of my friends from my home birth class needed a c-section and she spent months floundering until she basically did therapy to mourn not having her vaginal birth. The process of closure is different for everyone – I hope you find the healthiest option for your circumstance. As always you know how to reach me if you want an impartial sounding board. xoxo (and CONGRATULATIONS of Baby O)

    • I saw your tweets that your baby arrived! Congratulations :) I hope you are drowning in baby love and goodness. I totally hear you on the disappointment of a failed VBAC. I went for a VBAC w/ #2 and I was fortunate that my water did break–so I labored and pushed, but to no avail. The baby just wasn’t positioned well and was bigger and after two hours just wasn’t coming. On my way to the OR for my c/s, my uterus ruptured, so it was a good thing we were on the way to get her out and gratefully she had no damage. I still tell people I’m glad I tried the VBAC, even though it ended in rupture, which is like less than 1% chance or something. I have mourned not being able to birth vaginally–something I was oddly excited about–my mom had 4 vag deliveries with no meds (3 at home!) so I felt like I was made for it. Take your time to grieve and the remorse/regret will probably never go away completely. I have a little more on my blog about my c-sections and births. I did have a third baby and I knew she would definitely be a c/s–and it turned out she was my best c/s and birth experience! That was a gift :) If you need to talk or rant, feel free to email or chat on twitter @beana619 :) Enjoy that baby boy!

Leave a reply