I have been talking a lot about vbacs, natural child birth and my desire to not have a repeat c-section with Fit Baby for months now. I’ve been very excited and eager to get to the point where I could announce the birth of my baby to you all and say “hey I did it!”. Unfortunately, that’s not my reality. Last week, I talked about how I was looking at an induction because at over 41 weeks, there was nothing happening at all. That day has come and now gone and there is still no baby in my arms. Long story short, because of my history of c-section and my cervix not dilating, a conventional induction won’t work for me. My only options are: natural labour/delivery (i.e. water breaking on its own) or c-section. As I’m writing this, I’m just 2 days away from being 42 weeks into this journey and out of time. When this post goes live, I will be in the hospital recovering from another unwanted surgery.
So why am I telling you this? Quite simply, I need to. For my sake. This last week has been so hard. Between the fatigue of carrying a large baby for longer than expected, a severe double ear infection that has left me in a world with no hearing and no answers as to when it will come back and now the news that my body is just not made for birthing babies, I’m an emotional upchuck (for lack of a more tactful term). I do realize that the most important thing in this whole process is the safe arrival of my sweet little boy or girl and I haven’t for a second lost sight of that. But I am mourning my inability to be the one that brings that life into the world so-to-speak.
Am I crazy? Selfish? Mentally overtaxed? Possibly. But in this very moment, this is a raw, honest and ugly as it gets in my world. I’ve received so much love and support that I know that every tear shed has been countered with a hug, encouraging note/email and I love you all to pieces for that.